Saturday, July 10, 2010

Things I Am Afraid Of

The first step to conquer any fear is admitting you have one. So here, for everyone to see, I am making a list of my fears in hopes that it will satisfy both my list craving and my need to get over some of my fears.

  • Death (not my own, the people I care about's)
  • 3D movies (I blame the Honey I Shrunk the Kids show)
  • Failure
  • Roller coasters
  • Being yelled at/Getting in trouble (I blame Catholic school)
  • Log Flumes
  • The Future (who the fuck isn't terrified of this?!)
  • Not getting a job
  • Being absent (what if something important happens!?)
  • Authority figures
  • M. Night Shamalan making more movies
  • Not doing anything meaningful with my life (see last post, I had a bit of a meltdown)
  • Every 'Harry Potter' book in the world spontaneously combusting
  • Losing people (Not their death, just....losing them. At this point in time, specific people, but in general, people I care about)
  • The American School system
  • Having a gun pointed at my head
  • Being a bad sister
  • Getting pulled over/Getting arrested (can't teach with a stain on my criminal record)
  • Never finding someone
  • Illness
  • Being a bad teacher
  • Public performance (singing, dancing, acting, speaking. though I wish so badly that I could)
  • Not making the most of everything I've been given
Now, you're probably thinking 'Krysti, stop being such a dumb shit, if you know your fears, fucking fix them.' And to you I say 'Stop being an asshole, no one said you had to read my blog. And you trying conquering a fear of being absent.' I don't even know why I wrote these last two post, I guess it was just stuff I was thinking about and figured I should actually write something more than 'watch this video!' for once.

Oh well, the world is a scary place, little monsters. We'll just have to brave it together. G'night.

The Bitch of Living

So, I recently discovered that one of my greatest, recently discovered phobias (along with authority) is the fear of not living life to the fullest. The fear that if I die tomorrow that I'll have done absolutely nothing in my life but fuck around and spend way too much time on Facebook. That I'm not impacting the world around me, the people who know me, or really much of anything. While I just mess around, my biological clock is ticking away precious seconds and I'm spending them stumbling around or watching cartoons. I worry incessantly about whether I'm just coasting through life without trying to better myself or make any impression. I worry that I'm plain, bland, forgettable. I can't define myself, how the hell do other people. I can't shake the fear that I do nothing for the larger picture, not even a blip on the cosmic radar. That when I leave, be it for the next room or the next world I will forever be just another face in a sea of faces. I wonder if I'm too passive and that my fear of making any major waves in my little tide pool is holding my back as a person and making me incredibly boring. That my stupid list of fears of things like being yelled at, failure, 3D movies, not ever finding love, log flumes, or the unknown are holding me back. I try and be genuine but sometimes I just feel like an empty shell. I don't know who I am or what I want in the grand scheme of things and don't know what to do about it. I've always had a pretty go-with-the-flow attitude towards life, but is that making me miss out? How do I seize the day?! Is it by impacting my surroundings? Is it by having the most fun, loving what I'm doing? Is it making a difference, however small, to someone? I don't know, and sometimes, when I can't wrestle the thought of it back into the very furthest corner of my brain where I store issues like wisdom teeth, cancer, the deterioration of today's youth, body image, death and job availability, it rears its head and I just get so...phobic about the whole damn thing.

Not exactly the Gaga post you were expecting, right? But this was partially brought on by Mama Monster, whose wonderful speeches make you just want to stand up and say 'FUCK YOU WORLD I AM WHO I AM!'

But....who the hell is that?

FREAKING GREAT NIGHT!

Gaga was, as we knew it would be, mindblowingly wonderful. As soon as I figure out how to post my videos on here you'll all have your bandwith freaking blown out with picture and video from the show (35 videos....jesus). Also to come: entry/possible guest opinon piece "Is Gaga the AntiChrist?"

And you guys are all wonderful people for gratifying my love for sidebar polls and voting on my outfit. Team Pancho fans, don't fret, I'm almost positive I'll make one at some point this summer.
And a little taste of what's to come :)


Little Monsters off to see Mama Monster <3