Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How To Live With Zombies [a novella]

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the time of year again, the time when every freshman clutches their marshmellows and quakes in their boots. When every girl wracks her wardrobe to find things that match with orange, and when no honors college kid is safe....oh yes, it's time for the

What the hell is that, you ask? Basically, it's a giant game of tag involving the Zombie Team and the Human Team, where each team's goal is to wipe out the other (Zombies by 'eating' all the humans, humans by outlasting the zombies). Because, as is common zombie-slayer knoweledge, a hungry zombie can only survive for 24 hours without human sustenance. The only defense we poor humans have is marshmallows. Throw one at an attacking zombie and they can't come after you for 10 minutes (so run like hell to a building, they're the only safe zones). So, needless to say, it's quite stressful maintaining your ripe, living human hide on a campus (or in my case a room full) of zombies who, to be quite honest, are usually must faster, sneakier and more strategic than I. However, I'm starting a new list in honor of the first day of Human/Zombie Season (depending on your team)

Innocent Bystanders Who Almost Were Viciously Pelted With Marshmallows
  • Girl with yellow hat on (we wear orange bandannas to indicate status, I though she was playing!)
  • Boy sprinting across quad
  • Dashing Dan, who dashed in my direction and I forgot he wasn't playing
  • Boy walking at brisk pace behind me
  • Girl coming out of Diehm
  • Everyone around the Psych building while I was trying to get to the thesis seminar
  • My reflection in a window
I was also like to issue a semi-sincere (I mean, she is a zombie and therefore the enemy) public apology to Honey B, who ambushed me and got pelted in the throat (my aim is sooo much better than last year). Whoops. However, be it noted that the throat is a fairly efficient way to kill a zombie. Just sayin'. Alas, my friends are turning left and right and I now live with two zombies, and have class with at least one tonight. I fear my time with humanity is drawing to a close. Goodbye cruel world!! (Or maybe not?)