I continually question why I write this blog, and even more, why people read it. But, I suppose that my non-mind reading self can only, at this point, address the first of these issues, and to be freaking honest that's what this post is about anyway I just needed a sound opening sentence (because, you know I always start with that *snicker*).
So why the hell do I write? I think, personally, we're all freaking crazy on the insides and what we actually see of people we don't know well and think are sane is just them being super-good at hiding everything. Ya know? Like people who otherwise seem like sound, logical, well-put together people who are Mr. Joe Sociable at work or in class, then go home and just rock back and forth in a corner because they just hate interacting with people. Or Suzi Life'O the Party who actually would much rather be at home writing music about the contents of her fridge than be getting shitfaced at some party where she doesn't know anyone. Basically, we're all nuts, and we all have our ways of dealing with it. Me? I do one of three things:
1. I talk the ear off of someone who's close to me (least likely, as I don't like burdening people with my problems. Because, really? Why should anyone else be burdened with my shit? They've got their issues and don't want to hear about mine.)
2. Write this blog. Basically a modified version of number one, but put in a way that people can at least get some enjoyment out of my misery (I feel like I've written a post about this whole thing before, but whatever, just stop reading if you're bored. And if you're getting bored on a site you visit to relieve your boredom I think you should take a step back and evaluate what the interwebs is doing to your attention span....)
3. Put "Bad Romance" on repeat in my car and drive around belting out the lyrics until I literally feel my throat bleeding.
I suppose I also play a shit-ton of Tetris too, but that's not specific to me being crazy, Tetris is just fun.
I guess I also write to keep my ability to, to practice in a way. In middle school I wrote fan-fic (don't ask, don't judge. and no I'll never post anything here) and now I've matured, now I bitch about my life for a narrow audience. Which, I also kind of feel bad about, burdening you dear readers since my life is not bad in the slightest. I'm extremely blessed and fortunate beyond belief to have everything I do, and I'd like to take this crazy-mixed up, night-rambling blog post to take a second to thank people. I'm not naming names, I don't feel like it A and B I think that's catty and a real stupid way to start shit. I think you know who you are. There are quite a few of you, I'm fortunate enough to say, who've really helped me this semester, because it was quite a doozy. You know who you are. I love you deep down from the bottom of my heart, so much so that I cannot tell you in text or words or deeds or gifts or thank-yous. You are phenomenal and I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Anyway, back to being crazy. I suppose you might argue "Jesus ya psycho go see a shrink, write a journal, punch a pillow. Why the hell are you burdening the cyber-world with your stupid, useless shit thoughts. You're just looking for attention and sympathy.' And to you I say tell that to the makers of Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Xanga, Flikr, formspring, or any of those other social network/lookatmelookatmelookatme sites. Why do you think they're so popular?!?! EVERYONE'S FUCKING LONELY. Everyone wants someone to care about what they're doing, to 'like' their thoughts, to poke them, to leave hearts on their walls. All the time. We need to be constantly gratified that others like us. And yeah, I hate being a part of that. But I am, as much as if not more than most. Why? Because that's our culture, that's what the world has been boiled down to, an endless cycle of repeated need for attention and gratification. I'm not gonna lie, I feel a little tiny flicker of disappointment if people don't 'like' my witty status or new profile picture, but I like to tell myself its no more than if someone I know at a party doesn't say hello. And yes, I like writing for other people, I like to entertain and I like to be entertained. I don't think that's a crime, it's not hurting anyone. I really don't write anything incendiary and if you don't like it, don't read it. Jeez.
To be honest, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I just felt a wave of crazy come on and fought it every way I know. As we speak I'm sucking on a cough drop trying to stop my throat from bleeding while charging my iPod so it's ready for A. my next therapy session or B. xmas shopping in blizzards. Goodnight to you all and best of freaking luck dealing with your individual crazy. As you can see I'm coping with mine...
EDIT: Yeah, so after posting this I just deleted my accounts for at least two of the above sites (goodbye twitter (which was stupid anyway, more on that later) and formspring (no one asked me anything anway)) and one additional site (home of the mentioned fan-fic, sweet god.....). I FEEL AMAZING. DELETE ALL YOUR SUPERFLUOUS SOCIAL NETWORKING ACCOUNTS! YOU FEEL SO CYBER-CLEANLY!
