So, you know that saying "All the worlds a stage"? The more I think about it, the less I think its bullshit. I mean really, what are we all doing but acting our parts, assuming there's some great script, or master plan, that's guiding us along and we're just these minor static characters acting the way that the other minor chorus members have grown accustomed to us acting. Have you ever just had a time where you sat back and wondered if there's even an original shred of character development in who you are? Or are you just a compilation of source material from the people around you? I'm trying to be smart like this person, witty like him, working on my diction to sound more like her, dressing like them, reading what they're reading. And not one ounce of this character we've designed for ourselves is for our own sake, but the sake of the audience. And who the hell is that? Who is this big performance for? Who's filling the seats in front of us? NO ONE. Why do we do this? Why do we put on these elaborate acts? We all do it: me, you, the person/people sitting next to you, maybe even your friends or the person (or people, if that's how ya swing) you're in a relationship with. We put on acts, we pretend, we shape shift into the character we thing best fits a scenario, but are we ever really ourselves?! Left to our own devices, with no one to impress or show off for, who are we? Can the actors exist without a stage? Will the show go on if the seats are empty? (answer: yes, it always does).
Pardon the rambling (I'm sure you're used to it by now) but sometimes I just feel like I don't know who I am and only define myself by what's around me, like I'm always performing for someone and am never just myself. The only reason I'm even mentioning it is that I had one of those rare but epic awesomely cathartic earth-shatteringly refreshing candid conversations the other day and felt like it was the first time in so long I could just let go and be without thinking. It was amazing. And now I'm back, being the same uptight, literal, logical actor I've always been. Trying to please everyone and be what everyone wants. But what the fuck do I know about who I am or what I want to be anyway? Maybe acting is our way of experimenting, testing the waters to find a character all our own; a combination of all the good roles and the bad roles; the leads and the ensemble parts culminating in a persona all our own. Maybe that's the point, an actor (I'm told - God knows I'm not one, fear of failure doncha know....) has to develop a style all their own so that instead of allowing themselves to be shaped by a part, they shape their own character drawing on a well established bank of experience. Unfortunately for us, on the stage of the world, filling this experience bank is about as easy as filling a regular bank.
So, what the hell am I saying, you ask. And I'm going to proudly stand center stage and say that I have no goddamn idea. You read this blog either because you're obsessed with me (oh stop, you're making me blush), you enjoy my sleep deprived rantings (more likely), or you accidentally happened upon this site and don't actually read this blog regularly (welcome stranger! care to stay awhile?). And I'm assuming that falling in one of these categories means you have both a sense of humor and a short attention span. Which is why I'm peacing out and leaving you to ponder this crap along with me. Good luck sleeping....
