Blast from the Past (Force from the Future?)

So, I've been meaning to post this for some time now, ever since I re-discovered it deep in the recesses of my 'Archives' folder. It's an essay I handed in my senior year of high school at the end of the year as a response to a prompt evaluating the class. Suffice to say that last semester, when Internet went down for a few hours, I rediscovered it, read it, and sent an apology email to my teacher for being so fucking saucy (which lead to him reading my blog. Dunno if he still does; if so HEY SUPPPPEEEE!!!). Please bear in mind before you delete this blog from your favorites bar (where it invariably sits of course) that this teacher and I had a relationship based entirely on mutual love for deep, scathing, sarcastic comments. Which I received just about as much as I gave. However, before I write an entire essay introducing the essay, here is my slightly edited, previously unpublished, 12th grade final English essay.

When I think back on this year in English I have nothing but fond memories. How could one not fall in love with all the rompin’ stompin’ he-man adventures that made-up the first semester of our year? How could ones hands go for a whole day without the devastating desire to copy down three blackboards worth of notes? And how could anyone continue their journey in life without ever viewing the acting wonder that is Gilbert Hyatt? The answer: it would be impossible, unthinkable even. Supe, I thank you for these wonderful experiences you have bestowed upon us, among other things, for without them, I would be living an insufficient life, ignorant of the Shakespearean sonnet form and the dangers of an overactive Id. But, in all seriousness Supe, as much as I bitch and moan, I actually enjoyed this year. There, I said something nice. Don’t get too used to it…


[A. and B. have been omitted due to boring content]

C. Writing: Okay, so here’s where I get to complain. Last year we practically did an essay a day; creative, persuasive, open-ended, everything. This year the only writing we did was for blue books and huge research papers. Nothing creative. I can’t be stifled like that Supe! I’m an informal, creative writer; formality makes me panic-y. I would, however, like to thank you for the blue books you gave because though I may piss and moan at the time about how unfairly difficult your blue books are as compared to the other classes (they get the question in advance and get to use the book during the test…pssh) but I really and honestly think that we were infinitely more prepared than they were, from what I can gather from talking to people in the other classes. [boring content here has been removed]
D. Film: How can I not rave about everyone’s favorite host, Gilbert Hyatt?! His knowledge and pronunciation rocked my view of the Odyssey! How were we all to know that we’d been pronouncing the rompin’-stompin’-he-man’s name wrong for so long?! Other than that, the Troy movie with the decrepit Helen was a visual masterpiece, I mean, clearly that mug would have launched a thousand ships, if not more! I also really liked Harold and Maude, it was really unusual and not really my usual movie choice, but I enjoyed it. I still vote, however, that we should watch the Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom version of Troy when we’re doing the Odyssey; think about it…


E. Grammar Rules: How do I love thee oh grammar, let me count the ways…oh wait, there are none. Thanks for keeping that to a minimum this year, I know how much you love your periods, pronouns, and gerunds.


[F. and G. were also boring. Adios F. and G.]
H. Supe Shtick: I can honestly say I am not really sure what this is, so I don’t know the grounds for its evaluation. I think this is just you fishing around for complements. Nice try, but no.


I. Literary Approach: Three words: BOOK ON TAPE! Listening to the tapes, in addition to being moderately enjoyable, also made sure we read the book and it made a considerable difference for works like Hamlet and Virginia Woolf. [more omitted content here lol]
J. AP Exam: Really, I wasn’t impressed. I almost all the multiple choice questions were fairly simple, easier than what we did in class, as were the essays. Of course, I blanked completely on all literary works with any symbolism, but I also had the chance to apply a lot of themes and concepts that we learned this year (ex: escape from prelapsarian bliss).
K. Term Paper Masterpiece: Oh, what a hellish assignment. I’m leaving and you probably won’t read this until I’m long gone, so I’m saying it. I hated that project! It was long and difficult and annoying. I hated my primary fiction book and it was hard as hell to find sources of criticism for them. And even when I did find criticism I didn’t know how to apply it. All around nightmare. I do, however, wish to thank you for letting me do fiction to fiction, because I loved Slaughterhouse Five and am glad I got a chance to read it.


L. Anything else: Supe, as sarcastic and insulting as this note may sound, I would honestly like to tell you – no sarcasm – that I enjoyed your class (though you’ll never get me to admit it again, let alone in public and out loud). From talking to kids in other AP 12 classes I feel like we did way more work at a better pace and covered everything important in a timely manner and in time for the AP test. I feel like your class was (usually) the right balance of work and joking around (not that there isn’t room for improvement in that ratio…specifically towards the joking around side). But, like I said, I bitched and moaned and threw sarcastic comments at you all year, but I also learned and ‘grew as a writer’ (I couldn’t think of a less cliche way to phrase that) and I thank you for both years of English. They were…an experience…to say the least. I won’t say adios, ‘cause I might be back here eventually, student teaching (if you’ll even take another student teacher after Blitzkrieg Bop turned out to be a flop…).

God I was such a little fucking shit as a student in this class. Haha, looking back although a huge a pain in the ass and way more difficult that Western Lit ever could hope to be, this was a solid class - AP 12. But honestly, hindsight is 20/20. And if, in fact, Supe is still lurking on this page, I still mean every word on this page. Compliments too...

Thought you'd all enjoy a little pre-blog writing. I've really 'grown as a writer' right? Bahah bullshit I could have cranked that out yesterday, I still am a smart-ass, stream of consiousness, hot-mess when it comes to informal writing....oh well, some things never change.