And yeah, it was so bad I'm refusing to speak its name.
{NOTE: This post will most likely be rated PG-13/R for language and graphic violence}
Dear Mr. Shama-lama-asshole,
I would like to offer my sincerest condolences for what I'm sure was a massively important and tragic event pulled you away from your work on "The L*** A********." I'm sure releasing it in mid-production stages was not intention and I'm sure that it was simply this economy that prevented you from adding the more minor details in the movie, like, say, the water that Aang and Katara are supposed to be bending along with all those awesome dance moves that I'm sure scored you a lot of tail back in the 20s. Although, as we could tell by this movie, you probably couldn't finish with any of that tail. And I can completely understand that as a very busy, self-righteous, pompous bastard of a director, producer, screenwriter, and supporting actor you probably had no time to watch the wonderful piece of animated genius that is the series you were supposed to be adapting. Little details like the 'a' sound in 'Aang' are trifles you are simply too important for. I mean, its not like your paycheck relies on the quality of your movies or anything, BECAUSE IF SO YOU WOULD BE SO FAR UP THE ASS IN DEBT RIGHT NOW THAT THE UNITED STATES WOULD LOOK FUCKING LOADED.
You, sir, and your movie are a disgrace to Avatar fans everywhere. You took a cartoon series so good that the most manly-cliche-high-school-jock would open admit he watches and pretty much raped it up the butt. Hard. To be completely honest (and believe me, I will be) I wish I could memorybend the last two plus hours of my life away. And I didn't even pay to see your goddamn POS, I wasted a free pass! ON THAT! On two plus hours of awful, terrible, horrible film adaptation. I think it is quite possibly the worse movie I've ever watched in my life. But, enough unsupported claims. I'll explain myself.
From the very beginning of your half-ass poorly CGI-ed attempt to recreate the title sequence I was worried. Then, everything changed when the subtitles attacked. Starting with a semi-linguistically challenged Katara (who no one really likes anyway) who informs the audience of the state of the world and mispronounces the first of many names in the movie ("auhhh-vatar") I'm already assured this will be awful. We then quickly meet Aaaaahhhh-ng, who is completely the opposite of his lighthearted, fun-loving TV character, and is stupid, moody, and extremely flat. We then have the extremely uncharacteristically pleasant Grandma (AKA Gran Gran, but its okay M, I know your too important to do your research) explains how important the spirit world is to the fire nation's cause (NOT) and fully supports her two underaged grandchildren decision to take a flying bison to where ever to save some kid they just met. But it's okay, because the gAang (Sokka, Katara, and Aaaaaaah-ng) don't really need any screen time anyway, the important character is Zuko....? Wait, which one is Zuko again? The one horribly scarred by firebending? Wait, so which one is he? Oh the one whose right side of his face is minorly discolored, oh Ooooookay. Anyway he and his super not Iroh-looking uncle are way more important and should be spastically cut to right in the middle of any part with Aaaaah-ng. Oh, and instead of being cloaked in a veil of fire in his palace, Firelord Pu-ssi is going to just stroll around the garden and chillax. It's whatever.
But to be honest, I'm too goddamn exhausted to write anymore because I've been preparing to see this movie from the minute I left work, making costumes (the gAang out of tshirts and sculpy in two hours) and catching up on our best of the benders. All for literally SHIT. So to cut things short, let it be noted that:
- It takes 6 earthbenders to move one rock.
- Waterbenders now fight by trapping people inside water bubbles suspended in air UNTIL THEY DROWN
- Hiru is about 8
- Katara, while having no lines but her awful voice overs, does help the cause by hanging wanted posters of Ahhhhhhhh-ng around fire nation territories.
- Sometimes, to get to the Spirit World you just have to sit down for a quick sec and then everything will go double vision and everything anyone ever told you will echo in your head.
- The Klan now has scuba suits.
- Firebenders cannot make their own fire. If they can its enough to scare away M Night.
- Momo and Sokka provide no comic relief. The only comic relief is laughing at how awful everything is.
- Sokka is mispronounced so well it can be confused for Zuko.
- Waterbending is more like a pleasent bubbling sprout of water that really does nothing.
- To win a war you just need to make a HUGE FUCKING WAVE then let it slowly sink back into the ocean.
- No Suki.
- No Jet.
No more for tonight. More later, but I needed to write something before I try drastic measures to memorybend this from my memory.
EFF YOU M NIGHT SHAMALAN.
