So, I recently discovered that one of my greatest, recently discovered phobias (along with authority) is the fear of not living life to the fullest. The fear that if I die tomorrow that I'll have done absolutely nothing in my life but fuck around and spend way too much time on Facebook. That I'm not impacting the world around me, the people who know me, or really much of anything. While I just mess around, my biological clock is ticking away precious seconds and I'm spending them stumbling around or watching cartoons. I worry incessantly about whether I'm just coasting through life without trying to better myself or make any impression. I worry that I'm plain, bland, forgettable. I can't define myself, how the hell do other people. I can't shake the fear that I do nothing for the larger picture, not even a blip on the cosmic radar. That when I leave, be it for the next room or the next world I will forever be just another face in a sea of faces. I wonder if I'm too passive and that my fear of making any major waves in my little tide pool is holding my back as a person and making me incredibly boring. That my stupid list of fears of things like being yelled at, failure, 3D movies, not ever finding love, log flumes, or the unknown are holding me back. I try and be genuine but sometimes I just feel like an empty shell. I don't know who I am or what I want in the grand scheme of things and don't know what to do about it. I've always had a pretty go-with-the-flow attitude towards life, but is that making me miss out? How do I seize the day?! Is it by impacting my surroundings? Is it by having the most fun, loving what I'm doing? Is it making a difference, however small, to someone? I don't know, and sometimes, when I can't wrestle the thought of it back into the very furthest corner of my brain where I store issues like wisdom teeth, cancer, the deterioration of today's youth, body image, death and job availability, it rears its head and I just get so...phobic about the whole damn thing.
Not exactly the Gaga post you were expecting, right? But this was partially brought on by Mama Monster, whose wonderful speeches make you just want to stand up and say 'FUCK YOU WORLD I AM WHO I AM!'
But....who the hell is that?
